Back to it... Full of uncertainty

The summer is over and now it's time to start back into the masters program. Over the course of the summer, we discovered that the federal government np longer offers aid to Barclay. We began classes, and I still do not have a way planned to pay for my schooling. I tried to apply for a student loan through chase bank, but was denied.

Other parts of my summer that have not been awesome are all a result of my misbehaving. God needs to be first in my life and he is not. I feel disconnected from the Spirit of God and the terrifies me. Here I am supposed to be the spiritual leader of our home and I am lost in the wilderness trying to keep up the facade.

But, here I am,  journaling for school praying that God will bring me back too him. Praying to once again understand his love. Praying to be the man of God he has called me go be. Praying that I will once again be obedient.

So Long Familiar

There is a song by Mandi Mapes called "So Long Familiar." Basically it is the story of Ruth, and her feelings after her husband and sons die. She says, "So long familiar, so long my whole life, it's all gone and I'm trusting you, when hope is hard to find."

I feel that way a little bit today. Cairistiona and I are still uncertain what the future holds. What we do know is that everything that was once familiar is now gone. At FDFC we have a new youth pastor and soon to be new Sr. Pastor. If we stay in CO things will be different. However, if we move to OK, things will be really different. So long familiar! It's definitely gone.

God is good. We trust Him to lead our paths.

True Fasting: Isaiah 58:1-5

Fasting often is understood as stopping something. For instance, not eating food for a select period of time. However, this is only half of what we are called to do. The purpose of fasting is to actually do something productive with the time you have from stopping a particular activity.

‘Why have we fasted,’ they say,
   ‘and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
   and you have not noticed?’    “Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
   and exploit all your workers.

True fasting is this:

⁶ “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
   and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
   and break every yoke?
⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry
   and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
   and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
   and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness^[a] will go before you,
   and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
⁹ Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
   you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

Fasting is more than stopping a particular activity. It is using the free time to seek God, and serve others. When we fast like this, God see's it and honors it. If we simply skip a meal, we are missing the point.

Miami, OK

Cairistiona, Ezra, and I visited Miami, OK this last weekend to see if we would be a good fit for ministry there. We discovered that their is a need at this Friends church that we could possibly be able to fill. And although that need is clear, we are still uncertain about moving.

I desire to be 100% certain that is where God is calling us to. It seems silly to go to OK if we are not certain God is telling us to go. It is so hard. Life right now seems so not sustainable. What are you leading us to do Lord? We promise to be faithful.

Returning from F2F

After reterning from F2F, God has laid a couple of thoughts on my heart that I feel need to be written down so that I do not forget them,

1. Fight for your relationship with God.

2. Fight for your relationship with you family.

These two are the most important things in your life. Always remember that.

The third thought is where God may be leading us in ministry. We feel called to family ministry. Teaching parents how to disciple their own children. How to communicate well in marriage. How to have and develop successful relationships with family and others. How to build community.

Show us how to do this Lord, I pray.

Be Holy, as I am Holy

Holiness. I can be holy thorough Christ. I am holy in Christ. I am made perfect in Christ. Although I have not already obtained all of this, I continue to push forward. I continue to run the race.

Sometimes, my relationship with God feels empty. I do fall into the trap of working for God rather than with God. I long so desperately to be obedient that I forget the point. Relationship with God.

God loves me. He desires me. I love God. I desire God. Do not let the "stuff" or "work" get in the way of that relationship. Cling to Christ with everything you have.

Suffering for the sake of the Gospel

We have been reading about Quakers throughout history and I have discovered something interesting about their understanding of holiness. That is that suffering is kind of a good think. With suffering, comes joy. That is when we are led by the Spirit in the suffering. Suffering for sufferings sake is terrible, but suffering for the Gospel can potentially bring joy.

How this happens is a mystery to me. It is definitely a gift that has to come from God.  A lot of it I believe begins with my motivation. Why do I persevere? What am I fighting for. If it is for Jesus, the joy will come.

F2F Journal Exercise: Prayer of Examen

Were you cooperating with God most fully, or were you resisting?

I think worse the resisting God is to be complacent or apathetic in your relationship with God. At least if you are resisting God their is a sense of relationship happening. But when your mind gets so distracted by other events that you forget about God altogether... that is a terrible place to be.

Beginning today, how will you live your life differently?

Lord, help me to release the things that I want. My desires. I want to be emerged in your presence, fully aware of you with me. The Life with God life. Help me to be attentive to your Spirit so that when you speak, I respond.

Speak Lord... Your servant is listening...

Not Today; the movie.

This is a movie being made about human trafficking.

View the trailer: 
http://vimeo.com/25848364

Visit the movie's website:
http://www.nottodaythemovie.com/Home/tabid/113/Default.aspx

F2F Journal Exercise: Social Justice

Luke 11:28; James 1:22

As the dust settles, what rises to the surface of your soul regarding social justice?
 My first thought when it comes to social justice is to do my best not to be deterred by political agenda's or the face that "social justice" seems to be the current fad in our young adult society. The second thought is to remember that I am not called to be the social justice champion for all social justice causes. However, I do have a part to play. What does that look like? What am I being called to do?

How is God speaking to you, and what is He calling you to do about it?
Right now I believe God is calling me to be intentional to wait upon Him. I have to be patient and attentive to the Spirit of God to direct me in what my part is to play. As I mentioned I cannot do everything or organize a group to solve every injustice in the world. But, I do believe I have a part to play. What is that part?


Heavenly Father,

There is plenty of people in the world that would be called "the least of these." I understand that I cannot reach every one of them, but you can. Please, help me to understand my part. What are you calling me to do? What can I do today? Is there a bigger part you would like me play?

I pray Lord, that you would raise up your people to stand for those who cannot stand for themselves. I pray that you would pour out your grace on those who are being mistreated and abused. I pray that you would bring people into their lives to deliver them not only from the circumstances they are in, but to lead them into the salvation that comes through your son Jesus Christ.

Please Lord, bring to my attention injustice that I can help with. Open my eyes to see where I can serve the "least of these." My you pour out your love and compassion for these people through your servant. Speak Lord, I am listening. I long to be obedient to you.

Amen.

Going Deeper

This week we have been discussing going deep within ourselves and discovering more about why we are the way we are and why we act the way we act. Many of us put on a fake self for most of our common encounter. My wife and I were talking about this. I am a different person even when I am with her family. Not really different I guess, just not fully myself. The more comfortable I get with an individual the more willing I am to open up I guess.

Should we be completely open with everyone we meet? Is that the goal? I don't know. I do not think it is necessary to be completely vulnerable with every other human being on the face of this planet. It's good to be able to be yourself, but how far should we take it?

New Job

I have started my new job working as a bell hop at a hotel. New baby. New job. Less involvement at the church. It feels like I am living a completely different life than I was two months ago. It is such a surreal feeling.

Life at the hotel is interesting. I am definitely in a job with worldly people, and that is an adjustment. I have to get re acclimated to swearing and dirty jokes. However, I do not really want to be acclimated as much as I want to be able to.... I guess I don't really know what I want accept to be a light in the darkness. This job gives many plenty of opportunity to serve others and show Christ to others through my life. I pray God can use me their to share the Gospel with others.

I am very thankful God has provided me with a job to care for my family. I am very thankful that I have a family who loves me. I am very thankful I have a warm home and bed to sleep in at night.

There is plenty of things in my life I know I take for granted. And although I am still adjusting to this new life I am living, I thank God for all He is and all He does for me (not just in this physical world!).

Calling vs. Vocation

I am glad today to report that my calling has nothing to do with my vocation. Well, they do work together; however, my calling is not dependent on my vocation. Perhaps this is a better way to articulate it.

You see, recently my life has been turned upside down. I am not near as involved in the local church as an organization as I was two months ago. I have now started a new full time job at the Westin Hotel. At first, it could seem that God has taken me out of ministry. But I disagree.

I believe God is helping to keep me rooted in reality. It becomes very easy to get caught up in "church" business and loose sense of what we are really trying to do. Suddenly the goal becomes how to get more people into the building, and less about how do we go to those outside the building. I love that my gifts get to be utilized in the "real" world. I love that I have the opportunity to share Christ with those who don't yet know Him. I love the fact that this is my reality, and not the reality of having to deal with trivial church jargon.

Thank you God for keeping me rooted in reality. Thank you too that my ministry and call are not dependent on my vocation.

Child of God

These last few months Cairistiona and I have really learned about depending on God. We have learned that apart from Him we can truly do nothing. We both lost out jobs and have been seeking His direction for the way forward. Financially, times are tight. I get that. It is happening everywhere we look. We are left in a place where we are utterly dependent on the Father.

A week ago my son was born. He too is utterly dependent upon his parents to care for him. The longer I reflect on this the more grateful I am to be called a child of God. That statement in itself is easy to say, but harder to believe. And yet, its true! I am a child of God, utterly dependent on Him. I could not survive without Him anymore than Ezra could survive without someone to care for him.

Thank you Lord for loving us; for never leaving us or forsaking us. You are Glory!

Ezra LaRue Haley

Letter to God

Dear God,

The life I want most for myself is actually hard to describe. Mainly because I do not have many expectations. I used to have goals, but I don't have any now. When I think where do I want to be in a few year, nothing amazing comes to mind.

I guess the more I think about it, I do desire to be a godly father and husband. I desire to have a heart that is full of love for God and for people. I desire to care about others more than myself. I want to be an obedient, faithful, servant of the King.

I do try to live this life, but lately I have felt more selfish than I have in the past. I like my house. I like my leisure. And yet I know that these things do not matter. I desire for my heart to be full of joy regardless of my circumstances.

At the end of the day, at the core of who I want to be, I desire to be a reflection of Jesus Christ. I desire for people to no longer see me, but instead see Christ in how I live.